CONFUCIUS SAY STRANGENESS GOIN' DOWN IN TOBY TOWN!
Something incredibly ODD has happened as a result of my building this web site.
It's not BAD in any way.
It's just rather -- INTERESTING.
It's got me thinking "WHATIF's".
That's f'ing dangerous.
But, OH WELL!
TOO LATE NOW!
Ok -- um, where to begin.
IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH ...!
All right -- not THAT far back I guess.
How's this then -- "When a person "opens" a new web site...." --
That time frame better for you?
When a person "opens" a new web site they usually request feedback from their visitors about their new site.
It's not only understandable that they do this, but absolutely necessary.
You need to know what works and what doesn't in order to make it better.
So when I "opened" my "Vin Diesel Fandemonium" site, I asked my visitors for feedback about it.
I was AMAZED at the responses I received.
MANY e-mails arrived from people graciously sharing their thoughts with me about my demented little site.
Some congratulated me on a wonderful job and shared how funny they thought the whole "chicken thing" was.
Others said they were literally on the floor they were laughing so hard.
Others simply praised my ability to write well.
And people didn't even seem to mind the fact that they actually had to READ!
READ -- A LOT!
Nor did they seem to mind the LENGTH OF TIME it took them to complete their trek through hell.
They COMMENTED ON IT -- but they didn't COMPLAIN ABOUT IT!
In FACT -- they said they COULD NOT STOP!
I was OVERWHELMED by the responses I received for this site!
It had me literally jumping up and down on my bed for the sheer joy of it!
It's the only action my bed has seen lately BUTTHAT'SOK!!!
I totally FREAKED OUT my cats because I was running around my tiny little apartment full of "KITTYPOWER"!
And any of you that have ever seen true "KITTYPOWER" in action know what I'm talking about, too.
It's that whole "I'm a KITTY and I just scarfed down a whole bowl of kibbles and now I've got POWER!" thing.
That was me.
TOBYD --->>> CAT IN LAST LIFE.
Obviously some of that has spilled over into THIS life.
I rather enjoy it.
It keeps things interesting.
ANYWAY -- the point is that I'm all f'ing "KITTY POWER"-ED, running in f'ing circles, giggling and howling and scaring the sh** out my real cats because I was just too f'ing happy and too f'ing excited to keep it all inside!
***QUICK SIDE NOTE HERE Y'ALL***
I will be moving OUT of the State of Texas SOON.
To WHERE -- I don't have the slightest f'ing idea.
I will decide that when I f'ing get where I'm going.
I'VE GOT to lose these bad habits I've picked up!
I used to speak like a refined and cultured being.
Now it's "YYYEEEEEEEEEEEF'INGHHHHHAAAAAAWWW".
DEFINITELY time for me to EXIT the Lone Star State.
YOU NEED A ROOMMATE?!?!?!
And that can mean -- WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO MEAN, Mr. Clean.
***END QUICK SIDE NOTE Y'ALL***
So I received all these GREAT e-mails from people complimenting me on my site, right?
And I was VERYVERYVERY HAPPY ABOUT IT!
Then something really ODD started happening.
I started receiving e-mails from people asking if I'd gotten "MY STUFF" yet.
I was all -- UM, EXCUSE ME? WHAT THE F' DID YOU JUST ASK ME?!!
It COMPLETELY messed with my ALREADYMESSEDUPHEAD at first.
So I started asking WHY they thought that I ACTUALLY WOULD HAVE GOTTEN "MY STUFF"!
APPARENTLY -- a lot of people out there believe that Mr. Vin will IN FACT visit this site.
HE -- in REALITY -- will VISIT -- MY site.
I guess the man REALLY DOES spend time online.
Or at least his online fans BELIEVE HE DOES.
AND APPARENTLY many Mr. Vin fans believe that NOT ONLY will he VISIT my site but he'll LIKE IT, too!
AND APPARENTLY many Mr. Vin fans believe that he'll LIKE IT SO MUCH that HE will contact ME.
AND APPARENTLY many Mr. Vin fans believe that HE will want ME to do more sites ABOUT HIM.
AND APPARENTLY many Mr. Vin fans believe that he will WANT TO HELP ME DO THAT.
HELP ME DO THAT -- AND GIVE ME MY F'ING STUFF!!!
I mean -- I just thought it would be really f'ing funny to call the man a chicken, y'know?
NOW THEY EXPECT ME TO ACTUALLY GET MY STUFF!!!
Where the HELL did THAT come from?
And HOWINTHEHELL am I supposed to PULL THAT ONE OFF?!!
Cuz you would NOT BELIEVE the DISSAPPOINTMENT these people seem to feel when I reply
"Um, NO, I have NOT been contacted by Mr. Vin and NO he has NOT sent me 'MY STUFF'."
You can feel them crash and burn all over the internet.
I think that may explain the increase in online viruses lately, BUT HEY! Maybe not.
Isn't that just -- INTERESTING?!
I did NOT see THAT ONE coming!
Some people out there actually BELIEVE I am destined to "HANG WITH OUR MAN"!
AT HIS F'ING REQUEST, NO LESS!!
Doesn't really matter, though.
We all know I WOULDN'T BE ABLE to just "HANG WITH OUR MAN".
I'd be in the BATHROOM.
(What a LOVELY IMAGE, Toby!)
(LOL! -- sorry all!)
(It's not TRUE -- it's just FUNNY.)
(AND I ABSOLUTELY ADORE FUNNY!)
(MY FAV QUOTE -- "ONLY WHEN IT WAS FUNNY!")
The whole CONCEPT just WHACKS me upside the head one day as I realize what these e-mails are saying.
PEOPLE OUT THERE ACTUALLY BELIEVE I MAY BE CONTACTED BY MR. VIN!
PEOPLE OUT THERE ACTUALLY THINK I MAY GET "MY STUFF"!
ANOTHER thought WHACKS me upside the head.
What's the man gonna do, Toby?
F'ing "IM" you?
I can see it now --
"HI TOBY! THIS IS VIN DIESEL! YOU CALLED ME A CHICKEN, BUT IT WAS FUNNY SO LET'S HOOK UP!"
Like I'd believe THAT.
I mean -- WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?
YOU BETTER NOT F'ING BELIEVE IT IF SOMEONE TELLS YOU SOME SH** LIKE THAT!
Because I seriously DOUBT it would be TRUE.
So here's my dilemma, folks.
On the one hand, I have my RATIONAL SELF that says "REALITY CHECK GIRL NO F'ING WAY!"
On the other hand, I have the "We think he may like your site enough to WANT TO
CONTACT YOU!" multiple e-mails from total strangers staring me in the f'ing face.
I didn't SAY it, I didn't THINK it, I didn't DREAM it -- UNTIL THEY DID.
And it's just been GNAWING at me ever since -- THE BIG --
'WHAT IF' ...
NOW -- this year is what really smart boring people refer to as a "PALINDROME YEAR".
TobyD --->>> really smart and boring in real life.
And for those of you ignoramuses out there that don't own a f'ing dictionary, I will explain what that means.
A "PALINDROME" is a word or phrase that READS THE SAME both backwards and forwards.
HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF A PALINDROME SENTENCE:
Madam I'm Adam
madA m'I madaM
READ OUT LOUD it says "madam im adam" both ways!
Pretty kewl, huh?
And you thought I didn't know anything!!!
I am FULL of useless sh** like that!
ANYWAY -- my POINT is that it is a "PALINDROME YEAR":
READ OUT LOUD:
Same both ways, right?
But HERE is the REALLY FREAKY PART (at least it's freaking ME OUT) --
My birthday is March 30th.
I was born at 3:30 a.m.
I will be 33.
That comes out to:
0330 at 0330 age 33 in 2002.
Now, I've posted this subject on my board and chatted with a few people about it and they all
agree that it's a bit ODD, maybe even a bit EERIE, but nothing to be overly CONCERNED with.
But WHAT THEY DID NOT KNOW IS WHERE I WILL BE for my birthday this year.
My bro' lives in San Diego, see.
I MAY move to San Diego this summer.
I MAY NOT.
Depends on my MOOOOOOOOOD.
I want to scope it out first, though.
So I'll be there scoping it out at the end of March.
And my bro' said he'd take me OUTONTHEBIGTOWN for my birthday.
NOW I MYSELF can't buy my way into a MOVIE THEATRE let alone A CLUB where the
STARS OF THE F'ING MOVIE hang out. HOWEVER -- my bro' knows a lawyer who just
HAPPENS to be the right hand man of the DEVIL HIMSELF and HE is going to take us.
The devil is taking us not the lawyer.
I meant the lawyer is taking us not the devil.
NO WAIT! OH --- what-EVER.
They are one and the same so who really cares.
And for those of you that are unfamiliar with it, The Sky Bar is a place that NOT ONLY requires DESIGNER
CLOTHING TO GET IN THE DOOR, it ALSO requires a HOLIER THAN THOU ATTITUDE ONCE YOU'VE GOTTEN IN.
Um, I think I'm in trouble.
I don't have a HOLIER THAN THOU ATTITUDE at my disposal.
Guess I'll have to borrow someone else's for the weekend, huh?
I think the lawyer's girlfriend has some extra HOLIER THAN THOU ATTITUDE.
Maybe I'll ask her to loan me some of her's.
SO LET'S SAY that Mr. Vin does frequent this site.
AND LET'S SAY that Mr. Vin is back from Prague by March 30th.
AND LET'S SAY that Mr. Vin is interested in meeting me "out there".
WELL NOW HE CAN!!!
I've just told him WHERE I'll be and WHEN I'll be there.
The night of March 30th at The Sky Bar.
And The Sky Bar is DEFINITELY HIS TURF.
I've been TOLD that stars go there all the time so he'd be perfectly safe and totally in his element.
However, there is no way in hell HE could spot ME in that bar.
In case you haven't noticed, EVERY WOMAN IN L.A. is a thin blonde.
So I am going to have to SPOT HIM.
And that should be EASY ENOUGH, right?
I'll just follow the high pitched squeals and the huge stream of drool on the floor.
Should lead me right to him.
There is -- OF COURSE -- one problem.
And that is how could I POSSIBLY KNOW FOR SURE he was there that night BECAUSE OF ME.
I mean -- FOR ALL I KNOW he hangs there every night.
I can just see it now -- he'd be there that night with his pals kicking back
and I'd be all up in his face going "YOUSAWMYSITEHEEHEEHAAHAAHOHO!!!"
Get thrown out the damn door on my damn butt in SECONDS FLAT I am SURE.
PROBABLY BY HIM PERSONALLY!
IN MY DESIGNER CLOTHING NO LESS!
So how could I be sure that he was there for me?
That is a VERYVERYVERY good question, Toby.
OH I KNOW!!!
It'll be EASTER WEEKEND, won't it?
He could wear an EASTER BONNET!
A BRIGHT PINK ONE WITH A HUGE YELLOW BOW AND BIG RED PLASTIC FLOWERS!
Okay -- what else?
He could wear a BRIGHT PURPLE TIE WITH WHITE BUNNIES ALL OVER IT!
He could CARRY AROUND AN EASTER BASKET!
A LITTLE STUFFED CHICK(en)?
A BIG CHOCOLATE BUNNY?
A BAG OF JELLY BEANS?
HE CAN CARRY AN EASTER EGG!!!
NONONO NOT A REAL EASTER EGG -- one of those cheap little plastic eggs that you can fill with candy.
A PURPLE ONE!!!
That's inconspicuous enough, don't you think?
Then he could just pocket it if Cindy Crawford came over to say hello.
BUT HOLDING IT IN HIS HAND UNTIL I SPOTTED HIM would work, wouldn't it?
And I am CERTAIN it WOULDN'T TAKE LONG for me to spot him.
Getting NEAR THE MAN would be a whole different story, of course.
Maybe I'll just carry a can of pepper spray with me and spray any dumb bimbette that get's in my way.
That sounds like a plan.
IF MR. VIN SHOWS UP AT THE SKY BAR CARRYING A LITTLE PURPLE PLASTIC EASTER EGG
THE NIGHT OF MARCH 30TH, 2002, THEN I WILL KNOW HE IS THERE LOOKING FOR TOBYD!
Well, either the little purple plastic easter egg or a HUGE SIGN that says
"I AM HERE FOR TOBYD AND TOBYD ONLY SO ALL YOU OTHER FREAKS JUST BACK THE F' OFF!!!"
I'm THINKIN' I would get the message if he did THAT, too.
So what do you all think?
Do you think he'll show up at The Sky Bar that night?
Think I'll be chillin' with the devil and then look over when all the women in the entire bar start to squeal and --
OHMYGAAAWWWDDD!!! IT'S MR. VIN DIESEL HIMSELF!
AND HE'S CARRYING A PURPLE PLASTIC EASTER EGG IN HIS HAND!!!
HE'S HERE FOR ME!!!
I wouldn't take my eyes off him for fear he was merely an illusion and would disappear if I looked away.
He would catch me staring at him and he would casually smile.
Staring deeply into his eyes, I would slowly approach him from across the room.
He would watch my every move as I walked toward him.
And when I found myself close enough, I would lean forward and whisper gently in his ear ...
"So which came first, babe -- the chicken or the egg?"
NOW AT THAT POINT -- all f'ing (literally) bets are off.
Cuz I SERIOUSLY DOUBT that he would enjoy my little twisted sense of humor.
Don't think he'd find that funny AT ALL!
So you know what I would do?
Yupyupyup you f'ing got THAT right!
I WOULD TEAR A** ACROSS THAT BAR FASTER THAN SPEEDY F'ING GONZALES HOWLING WITH
LAUGHTER THE WHOLE WAY BECAUSE MY DESIGNER F'ING SHOES THAT MATCH MY DESIGNER
F'ING CLOTHING WOULD MAKE ME RUN LIKE A F'ING APE AND THEN I WOULD TRIP AND FALL AND
DO A DIVING SLIDE AND COME CRASHING HEADFIRST THROUGH THE DOOR LIKE I WAS COMING
INTO HOME PLATE AT YANKEE F'ING STADIUM FINALLY COMING TO A REST ON THE FLOOR ...
IN THE F'ING BATHROOM!!!
That is WHAT I WOULD DO!!!
And I would bust a gut laughing, too!
Like I said before -- I LOVE TO LAUGH!!!
It's one of life's most precious gifts.
So don't forget to LAUGH folks!
TRUST ME -- it helps make the world a much more enjoyable place!
ANYWAY EVERYONE -- I think that it is about time for me to wrap up this insanity and move on to new things.
So I believe I shall now take my leave.
But don't worry though!
I WILL RETURN WITH EVEN MORE INSANITY!!!
In the meantime, check the BOARD for updates, join the GROUP for weekly ramblings,
and E-MAIL or 'IM' me whenever the mood for one-on-one chaos hits you.
Be sure and check back here for information and links to the latest episodes of TobyD's --
"THE BATHROOM CHRONICLES"